Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The pain of coming Loss


I'm going to try to write this without crying.. i doubt ill make it though.
Ever know your fixing to lose something/someone? It hurts.. its like the pre hurt before the real heartache sets in. I guess its like you preparing for the pain that's coming by getting just a taste of it.
My step moms mother is dying. She has lived a long good life.I wish i could sit here and pretend my family will live forever but I'm soon going to lose all three of my remaining grandparents. I remember the heart ache so vividly of hearing my grandmother died.( my mothers mom) The woman that raised me, my best friend. I had never felt anything like that before. Right before she passed i had, had a miscarriage.. but that pain was different. i didn't know the baby. Sure i loved it. but i had spend my lifetime with my grandmother. I thought i would never stop crying.. ever..
Now my step moms mother is dying.
I guess i should back up..My step mom and i .. well we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things to put it lightly.. i resented her for marrying my dad and taking me from my grandparents. She resented me.. well because she had to take care of me. We didn't have the best relationship.. shit who am i trying to fool we didn't have a good relationship at all.I always felt like an outsider growing up. Except on Sundays when we would go to grand moms house.She never treated me like i was an outsider. From the day i met her she greeted me with open arms. 
Grand mom wasn't one of those Betty crocker warm cozy, come sit in my lap grandmothers. She was tough  and hard, a no nonsense type woman. But i ALWAYS felt loved when i was at her house. I used to HATE the weekends when i would have to be home with my step mom. But i always looked forward to Sundays when we went to Sunday diner at grand moms. She always had the best food. You know that old fashioned down home cooking you just cant get anywhere but in a grandmothers kitchen.. yea THAT kind of Sunday dinner.I loved feeling like even for just a few hours i was a part of a family. That someone out there truly loved me no matter what i did.
My step mom hugged me 6 times in the 11 years i lived with her. i heard the words "i love you" uttered from her lips towards me less than that. Even the couple times she said it i never felt it.
With grand mom i didn't have to hear it.. the look in her eyes showed it. The hug at the end of a Sunday told me she loved me. Somehow no matter how hard things were with a hug from grand mom i knew i could get through the next week.
After graduation i left home. Vowing to never look back.. That's so hard to do. I kept my distance from my step moms family  after her and my daddy split out of respect for her. I didn't want to make things awkward for anyone. After i had my first son i tried to go back and see grand mom but plans got changed.. and i figured maybe it was for the best. Now ten years after i left home I'm sitting here kicking myself for not going back. for not ever telling her how much she helped me through some of the worst times of my life with out ever saying a word. i knew in my heart i could have told her everything about how things really were but i never did, just knowing gave me the strength. 
She went into hospice last week and i so badly want to go see her. But i have no idea what to say when i see her. I don't know if i can be strong enough to not cry when i go see her. I know i couldn't do it and write this. as i sit here tears are streaming down my face. So I will tell her here...
Grand mom,
Thank you  For the love you gave me and always making me feel like part of your family.
.Thank you for unknowingly giving me the strength to keep going. I'm sorry i stayed away all these years but i know you understand. I will  never stop loving you and will always carry your memory in my heart!
Love,
Bree
The world might not miss her when she goes, but i know her family will, including me
Don't wait until its too late to go see the people you love and care about. You just might not ever get the chance.


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3 comments:

  1. Ugh, I'm so sorry for you!! It's never easy loosing someone, and waiting while it happens it justs anxiety driven!!! I just found out today that a friend of mine passed away!!! I think we are always left with some many shoulda couldas.....but they know how much they meant to us! And your grand mom knows why you didnt come around and she still loves you!!

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  2. I am so sorry hun! Sending prayers of strength and comfort your way!

    Following you now! Thanks for stopping by my site :)

    www.aplummerslife.blogspot.com

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  3. So sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and her family.

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