Wednesday, January 27, 2010

dec 31

Thursday, December 31, 2009

and the tears roll on

so not knowing he could hurt me any worse than he has. well he proved me wrong... i guess somewhere in the deep dark hateful part of his heart he felt it nessicary to tell me he never really felt loved when we were together. and that he couldnt remember any good times. i know that i should have been whatever about it but it really hurt. truly hurt me to the core. i sat in the bathroom and cried until i couldnt breathe. somewhere in the relationship i wish i had seen he didnt feel loved. that none of the good times to us were the same to him. that all the gatlinburg trips and camping trips and trips to texas and everywhere else were just a waste. he has ruined all the fond memories i i question our whole relationship. if he never felt loved why stay?? was i really justa free ride? some one he could stay with and pretend to play house with so he wasnt homeless and he had food and clothes? was i truly just a pieice of ass to him? when i told him he had hurt me worse that i had ever imagined was possible his response was " ok so i lose again what else is new" no im sorry or i didnt mean to. no remorse for hurting the person that he had spent the past 3 years of his life with. To tell me i didnt show him any love at all? seriously? as i sit here trying not to cry again i wonder if he is hurt at all by any of this? i wonder if he has shed once single tear over not having us anymore.
i question if he truly did cheat on me. do i really want to know or will that just hurt me worse did he go straight to whoever he was supposed to be cheating on me with when he realized i had changed the locks?
OMG why do i keep crying? for the last 6 months or more i havent been able to cry. not shed one single tear i had locked it all off so the kids didnt see how much i was hurting. i learned to just be numb. and now i cant stop crying. when i know this is for the best why does it hurt so fucking bad? why cant i be the heartless bitch everyone thinks i am? it seriously bothers me that i might be hurting him. all i have seen is anger and hatred from him so far.
im allowing him to see the kids today for the last time this year. i think its only right and fair they are my kids but he has been with them for the last few years and grown to love them ( or was that a lie to?)either was he wants to see them well he says he wants to see us. but im not going for me. im afraid of how seeing him will make me feel. probably liek shit that i tore his life apart. but im doing whats best for me and the kids. its time they see me happy again. its time i reclaim my life and theirs and we dont scurry to bed or be super quiet because he is home or coming home. no more answering to someone when i run to the store or being accused of screwing around. i cant take it anymore so i can and will stay strong!

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